COMMENTARY: The Dysfunction Of Agreement

In a recent scripted debate, all of the candidates for President were asked the question: Would you reject a revenue increase if there was a 10 to 1 ratio of decreases in spending to one in revenue? Every candidate at this debate raised his or her hand in agreement – agreeing to reject any revenue increase regardless of circumstance. This brief exchange in the debate reminded me of a short story I had once read called The Abilene Paradox: The Management of Agreement by Jerry P. Harvey, Ph.D.

This short story may be that of a car trip – but I put it to you that Wisconsin and indeed this country, is in that same car and is making exactly that trip.

It begins: Everyone is hot, miserable, tired, and grimy from the fine Texas dust that the wind blew into every pore of his or her skin. Why did they take a four hour, 106 mile round trip from Coleman to Abilene, stopping to eat crummy diner food, when the outdoor temperature is 104 degrees? Why did they take that trip in a unairconditioned 1958 Buick? Why did the driver and three others agree to take that trip when the driver, nor they, really wanted to go in the first place? How was it ever decided?

The father-in-law suggests the trip. Your wife seconds the idea saying, “It sounds like a great idea!” They look to you, though your preference seems to be out of step with the others, you say “sounds good to me” just to be agreeable. Then you say; “I just hope your mother wants to go.” The mother-in-law replies, “Of course I want to go. I haven’t been to Abilene in years.” Silently, you predict misery.

Four hours later your prediction has been realized. Brutal heat, crummy food, wet with perspiration mixed with the dust creating fine cement on your skin. To break the silence you say, “ It was a great trip, wasn’t it?” Then the truth comes out. You find out the mother-in-law went along because she felt pressured into it. You say that the only reason you agreed to go was to satisfy everyone else. Your wife blames you and the others – she only went along to keep everyone else happy. The father-in-law finally chimes in exclaiming “Shee-it!” saying he never wanted to go to Abilene, he only thought that everyone might be bored and might have enjoyed the trip.

Four rational, sensible people - adults – who of their own volition took a four-hour trip through a blast furnace of a desert and no one wanted to go. In fact, everyone just did what was the exact opposite of what they wanted.  It just doesn’t make any sense.

It is believed that managing conflict is our greatest challenge. I disagree. Do we have disagreements? Sure. Is there a chasm between the parties at this moment? Sure. But this is not the thing we should be concerned about. What is in dire need of those on the extremes, and those who support them – is the courage to engage in critical thought of one’s own positions.

The greatest challenge each of us face is to fully examine our thoughts, being truthful to the process, then – and this is the really hard part, having the courage of conviction to express them in an assertive, not aggressive manner.

It is all too easy to criticize the other party. Take up this challenge. Take the time, take another look, and see if we’re not in that 1958 Buick on the road to Abilene.